Torquil H Cowan

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Three Hours: The Grants' Evening Out - Torquil Cowan What do you think the following might have in common: a talented footballer just about to be the subject of a big-money transfer, a run-down church building in the Scottish highlands, an American tourist, a college lecturer with some bizarre ideas, a short-skirted temptress, a helicopter and a Jamaican taxi driver? Well, they all appear in this glorious romp through lower-league football, slotting together seamlessly along with many other delightful characters to create a book that is genuinely laugh-out-loud funny. Buy the book, read it, then try to look at mustard in the same way - it just isn't possible, but until you've read the book you won't know why, will you? Brilliant, simply brilliant! (about 97,000 words) Price: £5.00 Quantity:

Cup Fever - Torquil Cowan Condensed from the same author's "Three Hours: The Grants' Evening Out", "Cup Fever" tells the story of little Wednesford Town Football Club's evening in the spotlight, when they drew mighty Tottenham Hotspur in the Cup. The internal workings of an impoverished lower-league football club may have little in common with the household names from the Premier League, but Wednesford Town might as well be on a different planet.... Their stadium, named Pork Park in honour of the Chairman's lifetime's dedication to the turning of aging pork into almost-edible pies and sausages, is crumbling, weeds grow on the pitch, the trainer makes his own linament and the boardroom serves only tea in crockery that only just qualifies as 'seconds'. Into this environment the visitors' directors come, feeling that they are in an alien world. Then things really start to go awry. Wednesford's star player, Gary Grant, is injured, but has to play anyway. Accidents and fisticuffs mean that the buffet, and an awful lot of tea, ends up on the boardroom carpet. The dimmest player in the team, probably the dimmest in the entire league and who needs to be checked before every match to ensure that he's put his shorts on and his boots are on the right feet, manages to destroy the club's laundry facilities - before the match even starts. Why is it that the Spurs directors arrive, smartly attired, in a helicopter yet leave by train in fancy dress? Why does Gary Grant end the evening clutching a Lutheran Bible and a brown envelope containing £50,000? Why is Grant's agent rushed to hospital after drinking lucozade? The answers to these questions - and many more - are in this side-splittingly funny book - the funniest you'll read this year. (about 19,000 words) Price: £2.50 Quantity:

The Grudge Match: Ya Buggers! - Torquil Cowan 'The Grudge Match: Ya Buggers!' is a book about cricket. More specifically, it's about the age-old rivalry between England and Australia which is played out regularly on the cricket pitches of those nations. But this book is set in the English West Midlands. Yes, it features cricketers from England and Australia, but there are players from other countries too drafted in to compete in a specially arranged 'international' to be played at possibly the worst cricket ground on the planet between a team of 'Englishmen', captained by the odious Antony Pottinger - slum landlord and local BNP chairman - and a team from Australia and other former colonies, captained by the equally odious Greg Patterson - one-eyed proud Australian possessed of a glass eye and an incontinent bull terrier. In a gloriously funny tale that's a long way from being 'politically correct' the author pokes fun at many a deserving target; the English suffer more than most at his hands. It's a more than worthy companion to the same author's 'Cup Fever' - both are outrageously funny and highly recommended! (about 20,000 words) Price: £2.50 Quantity:

The Greater Evil (second version) - Torquil Cowan There are two versions of this book, of which this is the second, differing only in the way that they end. Both are set in New York, taking as their theme money-laundering and the use of bankers prepared to turn a blind eye to the sources of large foreign currency deposits. Both versions also tell a thrilling, fast-moving story in which the lifestyles of the wealthy, built upon the profits of illegal activities, are compared to those of the law enforcers. That may be an unfair comparison, but as the body count grows - rapidly! - the balance swings inexorably the other way. In the second version the two anti-heroes again meet their deserved destiny together but the acts they perform and those which affect them so profoundly are purely criminal in nature. This version does not feature terrorism in its story, as the first does, but the ending is no less explosive. (about 103,000 words) Price: £5.00 Quantity:

The Greater Evil (First Version) - Torquil Cowan There are two versions of this book, of which this is the first, differing only in the way they end. Both are set in New York, taking as their theme money-laundering and the use of bankers prepared to turn a blind eye to the sources of large foreign currency deposits. Both versions also tell a thrilling, fast-moving story in which the lifestyles of the wealthy, built upon the profits of illegal activities, are compared to those of the law enforcers. That may be an unfair comparison, but as the body count grows - rapidly! - the balance swings inexorably the other way. In the first version the two anti-heroes meet their deserved destiny together as the terrible events of 9 September 2001 unfold just a few blocks away: amid the unfolding carnage, do a few extra bodies really matter? (about 103,000 words) Price: £5.00 Quantity:

Joe's New World - Torquil Cowan Joe Soutar, dour ex-patriate Scotsman living in deepest Berkshire, is a dentist - not a very good dentist, it has to be said - and a reluctant husband. But, on just a single day, his despised wife died (in the arms of another), his equally despised father-in-law also met his end and Joe had a little bit of luck on the Lottery. Well, it wasn't really so little. His multi-million pound cheque came with the services of a young lady - a really rather attractive young lady - to help him get used to his new life as a rich man. So Joe, a newly-single skinflint, could add wealth to his list of attributes, which up to that point included only poor (to the point of being dangerous) driving skills and worse, but equally frequently exercised, abilities in the field of D-I-Y home maintenance. The fact that Joe was singlehandedly responsible for the majority of the whisky consumption in Berkshire was, really, not what you could call an attribute. Facing a future that included wealth, his own incompetence at everything - with one notable exception - and an attractive young lady who really did enjoy what every male the world over fantasises about, Joe is all set for a romantic yet hilariously comic life. Read and enjoy! (about 92,000 words) Price: £4.75 Quantity:

Ken: Up In Arms - Torquil H Cowan If Ken Atkinson’s been there, you wouldn’t want to. In a career spanning four decades, he found himself in some of the world’s sweatiest hell-holes, with nothing but his wits and British Passport to back him up. Brought up in a large family in Liverpool, a succession of short-term jobs – Merseyside’s worst apprentice and Burton’s sharpest suit salesman – he discovered his niche in freight-forwarding where he moved industrial machinery, building materials, foodstuffs and all manner of other innocent goods around the world. Then came Class 1 work – munitions to you – largely under contract to the MOD and appointments in Saudi, Jordan, Iraq, Malaysia, Serbia-Montenegro among many others. He won huge contracts for his company of which he became a partner and managing director. A byword in the profession, his supreme accolade was taking tea with the King Hussein of Jordan following a televised ceremony in which, for delivering Jordan’s new Navy to Aqaba, the King presented him with a rarely-awarded medal. Chased by snakes, held up by bandits, accused of supplying sensitive equipment to an unfriendly power, thwarted by HMG on a mega-deal with Iraq, enjoying an uneasy alliance with a Balkan butcher, and so much more, yet bringing to his story not only insight but a sense of humour. Then there were the days with Cliff Richard, Jasper Carrott, Samantha Fox, and luminaries such as Terry Waite, William Waldegrave, Michael Heseltine and Margaret Thatcher. Not to mention almost sharing a fag with Princess Margaret. A rich life, a rich story: Ken Atkinson is the man who’s been there, seen it, done it, and got the medal to prove it. (about 173,000 words) Price: £5.00 Quantity:

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